To My Mom…‎

MOTHER‎As I sat to write to you, it is 2:00 p.m. My heart beats faster with pain, my eyes burst into tears ‎are to wet to be able to look at your eyes. I am took week to be able to talk because my voice is ‎full of pain and complaint mom, their flame stops me of saying even a single word. As I write to ‎you, my eyes are wet and they are too wet to be able to tell you how much this separation hearts ‎me mom, how much I miss you. Tears of loneliness and banal pain became the way of my normal ‎life. I like how a hug from you would drown the frustrations. As you are not by my side, I feel so ‎down, steeped in loneliness, and suffer from worries about your health. It hurts me mom, and it ‎hurts me too much with a canal water twinkling in my eyes. ‎

Mom, I am not by your side anymore, and I cannot protect you now from the deepest frustration. ‎I am so sorry for all difficulties, worries, frustration, and loneliness that you are going through. I ‎am so sorry for I cannot do anything for you mom. I really feel helpless and a burden for I cannot ‎stand by your side through tough circumstances. I can hardly afford to pass these circumstances ‎without you mom. I miss your soft-spoken words when I was frustrated and feeling helpless. ‎That was none, but the only one and she was you who taught me the courage to face such ‎circumstances and give me the ultimate peace of mind by saying everything would be alright.   ‎

For several times, I have tried to put into words what you mean to me and how much I miss you ‎and that how much this separation hurts me mom. But the result has always been tears of ‎gratitude (my eyes are welling up even now) but never words to express my love for you and my ‎feeling. Now, as I am not with you every day, I feel an urge to let you know how much you ‎mean to me. So, I am going to truly try today, as it is Women’s Day and it is your day. The only ‎gift I can offer you is my long painful words from a far distance, begging days, and nights, and ‎every moment to be by your side, to be cuddled by your warm and lovely arms mom. I wish ‎peace and acceptance would rock upon our fate so that we could never suffer this painful ‎separation mom.‎

Mom, you are my inspiration, you are the reason that holds everything in my life in order, and ‎normal, and I am incomplete without you. You have been my best friend, philosopher, guide, ‎mentor, teacher, financial advisor, manager, ideal, agony aunt, and everything in between. You ‎are the genie, the fairy god-mother in all those fairy tales dad used to read me as a kid. You are ‎the reason I feel alive, and still struggle to do so. I never, felt the gap between my dreams and ‎myself because you have devoted your own moment to fulfill mine mom. You made sure that ‎there is nothing to hold back me from my dreams. You used to remain starving to make sure I ‎was not feeling hungry. You have single handedly fought with the world for me, for what I ‎wanted and for all my dreams. You have always put me first over everyone else, even yourself to ‎make sure that I would not feel depressed. Maybe that was the reason that dad was teasing you, ‎saying that you were always taking my side for even my stupid acts.‎

I do remember that how I would never let you travel far distance, even to our relatives homes, ‎because I could not afford your absence at home mom. The home was so rich with you and the ‎blessings were so much on us just because of you. You always used to ask me why, I would say, ‎‎“Just like that.” But the fact was, without you the home was so silent and dismal mom. The ‎reason is, whenever you are around, you always make me feel like things will be okay and that ‎there is no trouble that could disparate the peace of mind and satisfaction of heart. Mom, I ‎remember when I got really sick as a kid (Paralyzed) and had to be hospitalized, the doctor asked ‎me who I wanted beside me in the hospital, quickly I said “Mom!” Even then, I knew, with you ‎beside me, I am bound to get better soon and the pain in my operated legs were healing so fast ‎with looking at your soft-spoken words. ‎

Even if I have the biggest problem in the world hearing the words, “It will be just okay” from ‎you make me believe it. With you on my side, I can take on anyone anytime. Even today, as I am ‎all grown up (people tell me I am, so let’s go with the majority), at heart I am still the kid who ‎wants mom to tell me it will be fine and things will get better and that I will have you by my side ‎mom.‎

I still remember that you took the word of your 12-year-old son over the relative’s because you ‎believed in me. That was the day, I decided I would never let the trust you have in me fade, and ‎in all my decisions in life, this has always been an endeavor. There are so many such instances ‎and to list them out, I should probably write a book but I will leave that for another day. But the ‎whole point is, I TRULLY MISS YOU AND I FEEL DEPRESSED WITHOUT YOU MOM. I ‎want to shout to the sky and to borrow the wings with which I could be right by your side and ‎tell you all the painful moments that I go through in my separation. ‎

People find it amusing that i have so long talk with you! But you know me and perceive my ‎feelings better than anyone mom.. You are always the first person I want to call when I have ‎news, when I need advice, when I feel low and when I feel happy. We talk to swap stories, to ‎gossip, to complain about things, to joke, to get support, to swap recipes and so much more. In ‎fact, I wish I could call you once this letter is done, asking you for suggestions but I cannot do it ‎mom. Please forgive for I could not talk to you for these long days. I know how lonely you feel ‎but I promise I will heal these painful wounds one day mom. ‎

I always try to do my best with a hope that one day I could be a reflection of your kindness, and ‎softness. I consider myself blessed for I have a kind mom, just like an angel. You are the best ‎blessing that God has ever bestowed me, and I am proud to be your son. Every time someone ‎praises me or gives me a compliment, my heart swells in pride, because the compliment is for you, ‎for my mom, who raised me and made me who I am, and taught me the spirit of acceptance, ‎kindness and gentleness. ‎

You are my most inspired ideal mom. Our relationship has taught me the best and world’s most ‎expensive lessons, I could ever earn. I hope that one day I could raise my children with the same ‎spirit and compassion and share the LOVE and KINDNESS that you raised me with. I want to ‎promise you, mom that I will raise my own children (when I have one) with respect, courage, ‎strength, compassion, wisdom, kindness, softness, and love that you taught to me. I will be there ‎for you when you grow old and you need me, just as you have been there for me all of my life.‎

I promise, I will always be there by your side for every breath I have and even more. I will be ‎there by your side with peaceful hugs to make you forget all the suffering and separation that the ‎brutal circumstances brought between us mom. You have sacrificed for me your own happiness. ‎You accepted me in my worst point of time. You never ignored me mom, even in my worst mode ‎and never disappointed for anything I asked. You never said, how bad I am, even in my worst ‎mode. For the whole process of writing, my eyes are begging to see you just for a while and do a ‎‎(Tabaf) of you mom. You are the world’s greatest gift and fairy god mother. I hope you will ‎always be my mom in this birth and every other one and I do promise to be a good son of yours ‎and sacrifice everything I own for your comfort, even myself mom. ‎

Your Son Forever,‎

Abdul Samad ‎

About samad1986

Abdul Samad Haidari is a poet, writer, teacher and a former freelance journalist, currently residing in Indonesia as a stateless refugee. He is the author of The Red Ribbon He fled his home country at the age of seven and grew up wandering in Pakistan and Iran as a child refugee, and was separated from his family for the majority of his childhood. For two years, at the age of eight and nine, he was forced into child labour in the construction industry in Iran. In contrast, Pakistan offered refugees like him the opportunity to study and work. This education and work experience culminated in Abdul teaching computer studies and English language courses at the Intel Computer Center and Pak Oxford Professionals. After the collapse of the Taliban government, Abdul returned to Afghanistan thinking that the security situation had improved, and that he could take part in the reconstruction of his war-torn country. With this in mind, Abdul served as a freelance journalist and humanitarian aid-worker in areas of the country that remained dangerous to civilians because of the influence of terrorist groups. Abdul served with the Norwegian refugee council (NRC), ActionAid Afghanistan, Daily Outlook Afghanistan group of newspapers, and The Daily Afghanistan Express. As a freelance journalist, Abdul wrote articles and editorials about on-the-ground realities, which were then circulated widely. These had a particular focus on women and children’s rights, corruption, transparency and accountability in government, warlords and terrorist groups’ actions and the systematic persecution of minority groups in both Afghanistan and Pakistan.
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