They often ask how I fled and why did I flee.
For some of them, it’s a normal question, but for me it’s not less than going to a hell and then return with my whole body burnt and blood dropping from across my fingertips.
Sometimes, their questions are really tough – especially when their questions concern about my family and my life. It’s not that I don’t have any answer, but the truth is: I won’t be able to even sleep or eat properly afterwards. For each answer takes me back to a period that I don’t even wish to remember. For all I remember are: miseries, losses of lives, troubles, and bloodshed. I have nothing good to tell to make them laugh – perhaps I even haven’t experienced a normal life like them to tell how the rainbow colors subscribe my hopes to a new and colorful tomorrow. From within, I’m only a war-torn and stateless refugee without a homeland, as they gently recite with their friends.
Their questions are tougher than I can really swallow.
Every time they as a question, my heart from within starts beating faster…faster with fear and so many traumatic thoughts. Often I remain silent or smile back to hide my unseen tears from within when they ask, “Do you miss your family? How often do you visit them? How do you manage to live here?” I don’t know, how to make them understand of my feeling? I don’t know, how to make them understand that like them, I’m also a human with a feeling and sense.
Instead, I chose to remain silent for a while and put my head down to be able to hold my tears. I feel deprived, hurt and even humiliated sometimes. For what else do I have to tell them, except ‘how I buried my friends, relatives, and dearest ones.’ How should I make them understand that they stole my emotions, murdered my childhood dreams and left me abandoned with deep desolate sighs and lonely cries. How should I understand them of a wandering lifeless stranger who is often hated for his status. This is who I am, if I speak about myself. What else do you except from a silenced and caged man who is learnt to live in absolute obliviousness.